Thursday, March 2

Crippled linebacker takes figurative stand.

Columbus, OH - “I ain’t emptying my own colostomy bag.” Recently crippled linebacker Tyrone Washington said from his hospital bed late last evening. “Fuck that … shit.”

Washington, relatively new to this whole “crippled business,” isn’t yet comfortable with emptying the waste-collection bag he’ll no doubt be wearing for the rest of his life.

Three weeks ago, Washington was tossed from his pimped out Cadillac Escalade in an early morning one-car accident. The impact fractured multiple vertebrae in Washington’s spine rendering him useless, as a football player and as a man.

“My baby’s going to walk again,” Washington’s mother whispered through tears of denial.

“No, he isn’t.” His doctor countered, emphatically, squeezing the linebacker’s now lifeless hand. “Shit. Did I say that out loud?”

Funeral arrangements for Washington are pending.