Monday, March 20

Deceased 70’s star sends message from beyond.

Canal Winchester, OH — (AP) Telly Savalas truly regrets decisions he made during the last days of his life and believes they are haunting him in the afterlife, says a respected, local medium.

“I was doing a reading for a regular client, when I heard this unmistakable voice in my head say, ‘Hey, baby…I’m not doing so good,’” said psychic Francine Marmot. “I knew immediately who it was, but I didn’t know why he was reaching out.”

The answer came almost immediately as the actor known as Kojak began a detailed description of his last hours on earth followed by his first few hours in the afterlife, which he says, “could be a hell of a lot better.”

The following is a transcript of the taped session where Marmot channeled the thoughts of Savalas:

“First, pray you’re not drunk when you shed your mortal coil because the first they ask you is, “if you could have anything for the rest of eternity, what would it be? Trust me, you want to be sober for that one. You get one shot. I asked for 11 pussies on my chest so I could have something to play with. (long pause) You think I’m happy with that?” said the dead actor, dripping with sarcasm.

“John Candy was smart, he asked for an orgy a day with 10 of the most beautiful women to have ever walked the earth. Chris Penn asked for and got an eternally young Lady Godiva to hand feed him mortadella salami. Me? I’m walking around, alone, with 11 vestigial pussies on my chest."

"Who hates himself, baby?"