Friday, March 31

Liza Minelli 'sick of sex'; rest of world sick at
the thought.

Heath, OH — Legendary performer Liza Minelli has declared she is through with sex and just wants to find a partner who is kind and has some integrity.

The fact that Minelli would bring up the subject of sex given her outward appearance has literally sickened many people in the area. An informal poll conducted by The Ledger revealed that the briny, rusty taste of vomit in the mouth was the number one reponse to the Minelli news item.

"Ewwwww. Just the thought of her copulating with someone makes my skin crawl." commented real estate broker Susan Arthur. "And I have very toned, healthy and tight skin."

Columbus State freshman Hillary Frost just had one question: "Who's Lisa Vanilli?" Upon viewing the picture of Minelli in the context of her newfound distaste for intercourse, Frost retched. "Thanks. Now I need, like, a thousand showers or something."

Even retired printer Russ McElhaney, who saw Minelli perform live 'in her better days', was turned off by the news. "She's in her sixties! And she's had two hip replacement surgeries for cry eye! I remember when she did that nude scene in that one movie." McElhaney continued with a grimace. "I think that was the low point for American cinema."

There was one dissenting opinion among those polled: Auto mechanic Leroy Jenkins, 51, of Mount Vernon, said "Let's see — a spouse-abusing troglodytic boozehound with the telltale gaze of someone with a slight case of Down Syndrome? ... Yeah, I'd hit that."

Jenkins also admitted, unprompted, that he was 'a real horny toad' and was not wearing any pants.