Wednesday, March 22

Local man's ether rag and index cards, foolproof.

Heath, OH — An area virgin is hoping “New Year’s Eve isn’t the only night the ball drops”—if you catch his drift.

David Lee Suderman has gone to extreme strategic lengths to lure an unsuspecting Newark woman out for drinks this Saturday night.

“Hopefully,” Suderman dreamily proclaimed. “Saturday night will become the first night of the rest of my life.”

Over the last several weeks, Suderman has casually dropped bits and pieces of information about ‘himself’ in an Internet chatroom. His prey? a 45-year old Newark woman, Kelly Ann Seymour, who is now completely convinced she’s going on a date with former Major League baseball player Biff Pocaroba.

“I put all the facts about Biff—where he was born, his lifetime batting statistics—on 3 X 5 index cards and tacked them to the wall above my computer,” Suderman explained. “That way, ‘Biff’ could quickly and easily reference the facts during chat sessions to make sure he’s operating on-strategy. … It’s simple, really.”

Only time will tell if his "strategolution" will come to orgasmic fruition. Suderman, though, has already penciled the first notch on his oak-veneer bedpost.

“I’m just hoping I don’t blow as soon as I cross the plane, you know? I mean, if she were to come to in the middle of the action, that would be more than a little embarrassing. I might even have to kill her.”