Thursday, April 6

Autistic basketball player lives in
own 'ball-hogging' world.

Heath, OH — Ennis Mullins always knew he was special. Now, he told himself over and over and over, he'd be able to prove it.

Ennis finally got his chance to live his basketball dream in the Heath Bulldogs' regional semifinal versus New Albany. Ennis, a junior who struggles daily with autism, was the last player to make the basketball squad the previous fall.

"I guess I pitied him. That's why he made the cut." said Bulldogs Coach Bill Paymer

Ennis hoped he'd be able to play 'a little', but little did he know his opportunity would come knocking in such a crucial game. Inspired by the true-life glory of fellow autistic high school basketball player Jason McElwain, who scored an amazing 20 points in six minutes, Ennis took to the floor eager to show off his playing ability.

And he failed miserably.

Ennis missed every shot he took in the span of two minutes and forty-three seconds. Thirteen shots in all. Not one even struck the rim. He was unable to pass the ball to open teammates, and was one of the main reasons the Bulldogs season ended without a title.

Coach Paymer now knows better. "Man, that was stupid. We had no timeouts, and we couldn't even get a break to get him out of the game. I should've had someone fouled intentionally so I could get Ennis' butt back on the bench — where it belongs. Somebody should fire my ass."

"Who in the Godzilla shit let that kid take 13 straight shots? And miss every damn one?" dejected fan Earl Kenicke bellowed after the disappointing 73-56 loss to the Golden Eagles.

"Unlike that other sorta-retarded dude, Ennis sucks." added Bulldogs junior forward Billy Martz. "I guess kids with his disability don't understand how to pass the ball."

Others now dismiss Ennis as a "socially-inept Kobe Bryant." or "the horrible offspring of Allen Iverson and Raymond Babbitt."