Wednesday, April 19

CEO wastes no time in getting indicted.

Dublin, OH — Citing numerous examples of corporate bigwigs who wasted countless years before finally landing in prison, Gemcorp Chief Executive Officer Charles Pembroke announced an aggressive plan that should have him incarcerated by the end of the week.

“I’m covering all bases and, as such, will be committing federal crimes as well as crimes against the state,” said the tanned, 57-year-old Harvard graduate. “Oh, and Oprah Winfrey had sex with a horse in my living room.”

Immediately after slandering the talk show diva during his nationally televised news conference, Pembroke lit a marijuana cigarette and asked the stunned crowd of journalists if anyone knew where he could get “the chronic.”

Colleagues of Pembroke have no doubts that he will succeed. “Let’s just say that Charley doesn’t mess around,” said P. Terrence Willterbury, Gemcorp CFO. “When he laid out his plan during an offsite officers meeting, he was covered in blue dye and kept pointing to the Glock jammed in the front of his pants saying, 'quit wringing your hands…Charley and Glocky are going to be just fine.' "

Minutes before The Ledger went to press, police and federal agents surrounded the Columbus Zoo, where Pembroke was found strangling an endangered
Bonobo chimp.