Thursday, April 27

Christian girl fooled by non-Christian guy.

Heath, OH — When Susan Kramer meets a new person, her fundamentalist Christian beliefs are always the first thing she likes to talk about. And when she met fellow Heath High classmate Todd Channer, it was all he wanted talk about, too.

“Todd approached me in the cafeteria just as I was finishing saying grace and asked if he could join me,” Kramer said. “He made a joke about really having to pray hard for the food to be good. I laughed, then we just started talking.”

Kramer said Channer came across as polite, gracious, and extremely religious. “He kept saying, “my pastor thinks this…and Jesus loves it when I do blah…so I immediately accepted his invitation to come over to his house for a bible study.”

When Kramer arrived, though, Channer was flailing around on the ground, speaking in tongues. According to Kramer, the “totally real” incident lasted about four minutes and ended with Channer jumping up and screaming, “You need to leave…Jesus wants me to have sex now, but I don’t want to!”

At that point, an apparently anguished Channer ripped off his shirt and told Kramer that he would defy God if it meant giving up his virginity. The two immediately began praying for guidance and strength.

While Kramer said her prayers yielded little if no resolve, Channer punched the wall and said his conversation with The Lord was very pointed. With tears in his eyes, Channer said, “God, Jesus…and even St. Peter are all saying that if I don’t have sex by tomorrow, they’re going to set loose another tsunami. I don’t want to lose my virginity, but I also don’t want thousands of people to die…“

Kramer tearfully agreed and the two proceeded to have unrestrained, pre-marital intercourse.

According to Ledger meteorologist Jack Pascal, no tsunamis have been reported in the last 12 hours.