Tuesday, April 11

Man simply asks for directions,
promptly gets ass kicked.

Heath, OH – Mark Thompson, 35, learned a painful lesson Saturday night, suffering a savage and ruthless beating at the hands of a dozen or more skater punks loitering outside the Quickie Mart on 3rd Street.

“I learned that I should trust my instincts,” a heavily bandaged Thompson said from his bed in the ICU. “Never, no matter how many times the old lady begs me stop and ask for directions, stop and ask for fucking directions. Especially if you’re accountant’s new office is on Goddamn Sesame Street.”

Travis White, a “punk” being held in connection with the beating said, “I wasn’t involved, but I heard the guy rolled up and was all, like, ‘excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?’ I’d have pummeled the smartass, too, if I didn’t have such an airtight alibi.”

“All I did was ask for directions,” Thompson said through missing teeth. “I wasn’t cracking wise. I wasn’t making fun of the shorts hanging halfway down their asses … mark my words, I will have my revenge.”

Later this week, when Thompson is finally discharged from the hospital, he’ll have just a couple days to find his accountant’s office on Sesame Street and complete his tax returns. (MapQuest anyone?)

Remember: the deadline for filing your federal return is April 17th.