Friday, May 27

Speed-dating concept misunderstood by participant.

Heath, OH — First time speed-dating participant Randall Hartwell was confused and frustrated after repeatedly failing to ‘seal the deal” at the Date Around The Clock Event held weekly at the Heath Days Inn.

“It’s a great concept,” said the horny, misinformed window cleaning sales specialist. “Take a four hour date, condense it to five minutes, then move on. I get it. So why the hell is everyone so shy?”

Hartwell said his first date began normally with him quickly telling the woman about his life up to that point while removing his pants. “I was very careful not to go long — It only took me 1.2 minutes get her up to speed and myself naked. The date went south when she started stammering and looking at the clock."

Janice Waylan, event coordinator for Date Around The Clock, said she calmly tried explaining the rules of speed-dating to Hartwell, but he wasn’t catching on. “Roughly two minutes into my explanation, the guy shimmies out of his pants, tells me he loves Thai food, then asks me if I’ve ever been ‘rimmed.”

Bobbi Lucas, a 29-year-old flight attendant and regular attendee said she too had an awkward encounter with Hartwell. “You know…I started with a simple, 'Hey…I’m Bobbi…' and he just kept rolling his fingers like he wanted me to move faster. I was going to ask him if he was a dog or cat person, but he was already naked.”