Friday, April 7

Youngest Belushi bulking up for humor's sake.

Chicago, IL — (AP) Joey Belushi admits he has some big shoes to fill. Right now, however, he's focusing more on the belt size that goes with them.

Joey, a sophomore majoring in communications at the University of Illinois-Chicago, says he's prepping himself for a big entertainment career. He's been packing on the pounds and honing his comedic timing in anticipation of following in his ancestors' footsteps. He says he'd love a career on stage, television and the movies — just like his uncles John and Jim Belushi.

"I got the ol' freshman fifteen and then some. I figure I need to breach 200, then get to 250. Man, that'll be awesome. I'll be getting funny then."

Belushi has ballooned from a measly 137 pounds on his 5' 7" frame to around 170 over the past 17 months. But 'According to Joey', it's not enough.

"Uncle Jimmy's considered to be the less funny of the two. You know why? 'Cause he's not fat enough. Red Heat? Mr. Destiny? Please. " Joey rolled his eyes, ticking off the surviving Belushi's less notable projects. "Do you think he could've pulled off Bluto's zit-popping scene? No way. Not with that gaunt frame of his."

Friends who have seen Joey perform in the UIC Student Union seem to agree. "Right now, he stinks." laughed suitemate Kyle Larenz. "I think with, like a big giant gut hanging over his belt, though, he'll be hilarious."

Scientists reluctantly agree that waist size may be directly proportional to comic ability. "Look at that Chris Farley guy, he was one funny dude." noted physiologist Wayne Sharp.

"Emo Phillips? Not so much."

In addition to working on fresh material, Joey also plans to conjure up some personal demons to help his odds. "I feel I need to struggle with some kind of addiction or something. Then, the laughs will come... I'll be on SNL in no time." Belushi noted that he failed at his lone attempt at alcoholism, and is allergic to most controlled substances. "Coke makes me break out in this horrible rash, so it's not really worth it."

Belushi immediately ruled out child pornography. "You think that Ed Rooney guy is going to be on the set of Ferris Bueller's 2? No f-ing way."

At press time, Belushi was down to either choosing between an unhealthy addiction to shoe shopping or total abuse of caffeine.