Monday, May 1

Area man tormented by new mattress.

Newark, OH — All Geoff Landers was looking for was a good night's sleep. What he ended up with, however, was six years of nightmares he had thoroughly convinced himself never happened.

Landers thought his trouble sleeping was a result of his seven year-old lumpy, stained mattress. So he went shopping.

"I thought a new mattress might do the trick." Landers continued. "I tried the pillow-tops, the posturpedics, all of them, but none seemed to cut it. That's when I discovered the plush comfort of a memory foam mattress. I gave it whirl in the store, and wow, it was perfect."

Unfortunately for Landers, his in-store 'test drive' didn't prepare him for his first night at home.

"It was horrible. I kept waking up, panting and sweating, images of my pantsless and drunk Uncle Saul in my head. He was grinning that sick, twisted grin of his. Dear Lord, I haven't thought about those days in the trailer for years ..." Landers' voice faded, and he sat, lost in his once-dismissed memories.

Unbeknownst to Landers, he had purchased a Repressed Memory Foam Mattress rather than a traditional foam mattress designed to sculpt itself around one's body as they sleep.

Rory Hammaker, spokesperson for SleepTite, makers of the mattress, offered this defense of the product: "The Repressed Memory Foam Mattress is specifically designed to provide complete, restful nights of sleep for those who use it — but only after they confront the childhood fears they've so conveniently hidden deep inside of themselves. It's not our fault he can't get over that his uncle liked to dip his limp penis in Shedd's Spread and slather it all over Mr. Landers when he was but 11."

In order to escape his despair, Landers has taken to sleeping on his family room couch, leaving the fetal-position indented memory foam mattress and tear-stained pillow behind.

When asked whether or not SleepTite was ready to provide Landers a refund, Hammaker hastily replied. "Listen, when he's ready to realize that his uncle's transgressions were not his fault and that his incredible fear of intimacy has nothing to do with the past, we'll talk about a Deluxe Queen Swedish Velour Cover Set. Let's just say we're doing him a favor — and at a much more reasonable cost than psychotherapy."