Friday, May 26

Woman uses moisturizers to defy age, reality.

Pickerington, OH — Reneé Fulton cherishes her dewy, youthful skin. Thanks to her selective use of only the best cosmetics, wrinkle-prevention creams and lotions, and her avoidance of the damaging rays of the sun, she's maintained a fresh, healthy, virginal glow.

Her amazing baby face, however, has now landed 41 year-old unemployed drywaller Roland Coles in a heap of trouble.

Fairfield County Police arrested Coles on multiple charges of lewd or lascivious contact with a child younger than 16, which is what authorities believe to be Ms. Fulton's true age.

Coles denies the charges, saying he and Fulton only engaged in "Pope Sex." "There might have been some muff teasing, but we didn't go all the way."

Assistant District Attorney Sheila Snowe responded: "Like that matters."

Fulton indicated that she has been using the Esteé Lauder line of Age-Defying Moisturizers since she was about 14 years old. "I was following my mom's advice. She always told me to take extra-special care of my skin." Fulton then shrugged. "Who knew it would lead to this."

Eighteen years later, Fulton still has the facial appearance of a eighth grader, but the world-weary soul of a 32 year-old single mother.

Unable to regularly get into bars and pubs because of her adolescent looks, Fulton was forced to turn to high school parties and 'keggers' to rev up her social life. That's where she met Coles, although reasons aren't quite clear as to why he was present at such parties.

"I like to have a good time, and frankly, I relate to the kids a lot more than any of my contemporaries. I watch the "O.C.", I listen to Fall Out Boy, just like they do. What's wrong with that?" Coles asked, running his fingers through his thinning hair. "So the JILFs think I'm a pimp ninja. Is that a crime?"

When shown Fulton's Ohio Drivers License, which indicates that she is indeed 32 years old, Pickerington Police Officer Keith Gunderson scoffed. "An obvious fake — so she and her gal pals can buy Natty Light and get into that 'Cocks' place after 10 pm."

Ms. Fulton protested she had never heard of the Cocks Restaurant and Bar. Gunderson shook his head, "Sure she has. You know, it's that place with all those super-ripped hot dudes in the sweet bike shorts. It's the home of the Dutch Whopper." Gunderson then snickered a little. "I think that's a menu item."

Unable to persuade authorties of her true age, Fulton even went as far to show off varicose veins in her legs and stretch marks from the birth of her two children to prove Cole's innocence.

"It's a real pity the way these young girls grow up so fast nowadays." Gunderson shrugged. "Before you know it she'll be pregnant, married to some jackass, divorced. lonely and desperate." Gunderson continued, unknowingly recapping Reneé's brief life history.

As of press time, Coles was distraught over his failure to post bail. "I tried calling my mom, but I'm out of minutes." He sighed, then threw his bling-encrusted RAZR phone across the holding cell. "I can't wait to see the shit I'll get on my Myspace page over this. Chigger and Felch-Man are probably already posting jpegs of Brian Peppers all over it."