Tuesday, June 27

Al-Qaeda unleashes military-grade chiggers
in Yosemite.

Mariposa, CA — (FP) A low-ranking Al-Qaeda soldier has claimed responsibility for what may be the most devastating chigger breakout in the nations’ history. The Office of Homeland Security has confirmed reports that emergency rooms near Yosemite National Park are treating hundreds of people coming in with abnormally large chigger bites in their nether-regions.

“They’re all presenting the same symptoms,” said Dr. Mark Praetzker, MD. “Bright red, puffy…really infected looking genitals. I just treated a 23-year-old woman whose vagina looked like a crimson beehive. I’ve never seen chigger bites like this before.”

Midway through the press conference, an official from the office of Homeland Security played the videotaped admission to a group of reporters. Please be warned, the language is frank and brutal. “Sweet Infidels. By now you are no doubt wondering why your Godless genitals are so puffed-up and itchy. You are also probably asking yourselves, ‘Why, of all the places in the Yosemite, did I have to stand in a tall thicket of grass loaded with weaponized chiggers?’ Who knows. All I can say is that the thought of arrogant crotches being all inflamed and irritated is…wonderful….Allah Akbar!”

The tape, which inexplicably lasts more than an hour, includes clumsy references about the United States being “a gigantic chigger in the crotch of the world, inflaming all that it touches…” and warns that “…your pathetic, swollen genitals are only the beginning.”

President Bush had strong words for Al-Qaeda, saying, “I was just shown a picture of a 14-year-old boy from Heath, Ohio that really put this attack into perspective….his scrotum was so swollen…and itchy…that he won’t be able to swim for days. That hits hard.