Wednesday, June 14

Billionaire willing to offer Morgan Freeman 'shitloads' of money to narrate his life.

Dallas, Texas — (FP) Jumpin' Jack Calhoun, a man who has made billions in the breakfast foods business, has been living an eventful life. Now, he wants to spend some of his vast fortune to have venerable Hollywood actor Morgan Freeman help put it in context.

"Shit, everything I do is more interesting than those g.d. penguins!" Calhoun exclaimed, referring to March of the Penguins, the 2005 surprise hit documentary featuring Freeman's gentle, honest narration.

Calhoun, an avid fan of The Shawshank Redemption and Driving Miss Daisy, is reportedly offering Freeman a contract somewhere in the "high sevens" to spend time with him and his family on their ranch outside of Caddo Mills, narrating everything from horseback-riding excursions to the 71 year-old's daily enema.

"He would also have his own suite on my property, access to several cars, and a lifetime 'Buy 10, get 1 Free' discount at any Jumpin' Jacks Pancake House in the continental United States. Now, who in the hell ain't gonna take advantage of that there deal?" Calhoun then drifted into deep thought. "I can just imagine him, as we're boarding one of my four Lear jets, sayin' something like 'Good thing ol' Jack Calhoun ain't afraid of flyin', no sir, why he been done ridin' the skies with his Granpappy since he was fo year old."

When informed that Freeman's diction and locution wasn't always that of a southern chauffer or a world-weary convict, Calhoun threw his trademark Stetson to the ground and shouted "I'm gonna pay him 'shitloads' of money, so he's gonna talk any g.d. way I want him to, you got that?"

Under the agreement, Freeman would also be contractually required to narrate 'lovemaking sessions' between Calhoun and his third wife, 27-year old ex-Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Deena Rogers-Calhoun. "When I park my pink Plymouth in the garage of love, I want him right there in the g.d. bedroom!"

As of press time, Freeman's rep had declined to return calls regarding the g.d. offer.