Monday, June 26

CBS Evening News audience eagerly awaits first "Couricism."

New York, NY — (FP) Viewers accustomed to hearing ex-CBS anchorman Dan Rather's homespun election-eve witticisms are prepping themselves for a new face at the helm — and new style of drollerty — courtesy of former NBC Today host Katie Couric.

November's elections will be the first test of Couric's ability to match Rather's oft-charming Texan wit with her own brand of metaphorical repartee.

"This year is a mid-termer — which is good — no wall-to-wall coverage. We're hoping to work in one or two examples of Katie's bon mot during breaking news and updates. But we're looking forward to the big one in 2008, when she'll really be able to spread her wings." said CBS news spokesperson Debra Foyt.

Couric's advance team recently floated a few potential "Couricisms" to focus groups in Des Moines, Iowa and Oswego, New York.

"The test results aren't good. Apparently the viewing public isn't all agog over "this race is tighter than a pair of ostrich leather Louis Vuitton Vienna Minimalisa High Boots on a humid August evening dining at Nobu." stated CBS research specialist Eva Gonzalez.

Also not polling well is "make sure the au pair has control of the children because it looks like we'll be watching this race until my fusion massage appointment at Naturopathica."

"I'm really old. Dan was pretty old, too. That's why I liked him. This new elfy fancy-pants and her highbrow haughtiness won't cut it in my book." complained focus group member Midge Fenstermacher, 93, of Schroeppel, New York.

When reminded that Couric has long been thought of as "America's Sweetheart", Fenstermacher replied: "There's only one 'America's Sweetheart', and that's Clara Bow!"

All of the negative feedback has done little to dim CBS' hopes for Couric, who they believe will usher in a new era of sophistication for the evening news broadcast.

Foyt continued, "Dan was more 'we used to say if a frog had sidepockets, he'd carry a handgun.' We envision Katie as more of a 'if a frog had a black crocodile Fendi B.Bag. he wouldn't need sidepockets.' You know, bringing a much-needed elegance to the news."