Tuesday, June 6

Local detective has clearly watched way too much CSI.

Heath, OH — Sergeant Craig Bostwich, a detective with the Heath Police Department, is annoying fellow detectives with his pathetic attempts to mirror the behavior of David Caruso’s character on the popular police drama, CSI: Miami.

“Yesterday, we were processing a tragic, work-related death that involved a construction worker who had fallen into a cement mixing vat,” said Detective Ryan Purgo. “I was comforting his wife when Detective Bostwich pulled up in a rented Hummer, squatted directly over the dead man’s head and said, “Gravity is one law you shouldn’t try to break, friend.” Then he actually pointed at the cement-covered body while gesturing towards the hot, midday sun and said, “I can think of better ways to get hard.” I almost punched him in the neck.”

Apparently, officers aren’t the only ones who are annoyed by Detective Bostwich's behavior. “My car had been broken into and I was waiting for a radio car to show up when I saw this big H2 pull up,” said Rhonda Feely. “When I started to tell Detective Bostwich what happened, he put his finger on my mouth and asked me to squat, which I did. Then he squatted next to me, took off his sunglasses and said, “What kind of a sick bastard does this?” I was like, “what…breaking into a car or forcing someone to squat while you get all melodramatic?”

The County Coroner has already filed two complaints and refuses to conduct autopsies when Bostwich is in the room. “The last time that fool was here, he stuck his hand inside the chest cavity of a guy who had been killed in a bar fight and told me he was “trying to see what this guy was made of.” I asked him to gently place the victim’s pancreas back where he found it and then to get the hell out.”

Detective Bostwich has denied all allegations, even going as far as to say that he’s never even seen an episode of CSI. “Why watch it when you can live it,” said the detective, who then belted out a horrible rendition of Roger Daltry’s famous intro to Baba O'Reilly. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a murder to solve.”