Monday, June 5

Local man was this close to getting laid.

Heath, OH — T.J. Thomas was about to seal the deal last night, when he mistakenly revealed that he was a ‘birder’—a rare breed of individual who derives immense pleasure from looking at birds through binoculars.

"I wanted her to know everything about me," Thomas explained. "I wanted to take it to the next level emotionally. I miscalculated. It didn’t work. Again."

Sandra Schumann was visibly shaken by the frank admission. "To think I was going to let that guy fuck me … in the ass!” Schumann shouted in disbelief. "That’s just sick … Birding.”

After being summarily dismissed from Schumann’s apartment, Thomas continued to beat himself up on the sidewalk. "I should have told her I like sports or something … football. Why did I tell her the truth? Man, I’m so goddamn stupid!”

Just then, a yellow-bellied sapsucker alighted on the walkway as if sent from heaven. Thomas could not contain his delight. He dropped his pants, pulled out his penis and began stroking it lovingly, moaning "Oh my God! Oh my God! That’s it. Oh, yeah."

The sapsucker then flew away. Thomas quickly pulled up his pants and followed it, flapping his invisible wings.