Thursday, July 13

Insanity criteria explained in area courtroom.

Heath, OH - Area lunatic Nicholas Salter, accused of killing his boss and two other men in a bloody workplace rampage, was in court today to plead innocent to the charges by reason of insanity.

“Now hold-up,” Judge Julius Jones told Salter’s attorney when the insanity plea was entered. “I didn’t see your client cast his own fecal material around the courtroom here today. I didn’t spot him masturbating under the table during these proceedings … You come into my courtroom and try to pull the insanity-shit on me? On the people of Licking County? I don’t think so, counselor. You’re the insane one here.”

“Surely, your honor …” was all Salter’s attorney could mutter before another round of reprimands echoed throughout the courtroom.

“This man’s eyes aren’t too close together.” Judge Jones continued, pointing at the defendant. “His cheekbones aren’t freakishly high … Why’s he have shoelaces then? Where’s his goddamn straight jacket?” The Judge rattled off before finally banging his gavel and ruling, “Insanity, my black ass!”

Over at the prosecutor’s table, giggles could hardly be contained. The victims’ families, though, didn’t seem to find anything amusing about the exchange. All they did was cry the whole time.

This landmark ruling by Judge Jones sets a precedent for how defendants must act if they hope to stave off the death penalty with insanity pleas in the future.