Thursday, August 24

Local PETA chapter hopes this the year Colts finally go unbeaten.

Heath, OH - Pat Smith, Grand Poobah of the city's PETA chapter, is making plans now for an organized rally in Miami should the Indianapolis Colts finally go unbeaten and make it to the Super Bowl.

"Imagine a world," Smith suggested, "where the only time real live colts are touched by human hands is when they’re manually sodomized for breeding purposes ... That’ll be the theme of our rally."

It won't be the first time an organization has used a major sporting event to get its point across. And it certainly won't be the last.

"They’ve taken our land," said Gunner Nokahoma, chief of the Anti-Native American Defamation League, as he danced around an imaginary fire, patting his open mouth with one hand. "And now they’re trying to steal our thunder .... WooWooWooWooWoo!"

Smith dismissed those charges with a couple of really gay hand motions of his own. "Who cares about Native Americans? ... They’re just people," he said. "We’re talking about adorable little horsies here."