Thursday, December 21

Holiday gift disappoints beer connoiseur.

Columbus, OH — Kurt van der Hooven, a self-described 'Ambassador of Beer', has drank them all, from Dark Lord Imperial Stout to J.W. Lees Vintage Harvest Ale. He's drank the best, and the rest.

However, van der Hooven, a senior financial analyst for Northwestern Mutual in Columbus, refused to partake in the Beers of the Third World gift collection bestowed upon him by his office peers.

"I'm willing to drink anything from any country ... normally. But I'm also willing to avoid explosive diarrhea and crippling blindness, too." van der Hooven professed after opening the gift.

The Beers of the Third World package contains ales, lagers, and stout produced in the world's poorest countries.

Highlights of the gift package van der Hooven received include Fly Larvae Lager from Lesotho, Analeswasser Stout, brewed by German expatriates in Burundi, Malariale from Burkina Faso, Old Speckled Hen's Blood from Haiti, and Olympia Beer, now brewed in Djibouti.

Much to his co-workers' dismay, van der Hooven didn't dive into the collection. They immediately blamed fellow analyst Rich Thomas, who was responsible for picking up the gift. Secretary Anna Schulman led the charge.

"I told you to go to World Market! Not Third World Market you moron!"

Thomas tried to defend himself by highlighting van der Hooven's amazing affinity for all things beer.

"Dude's a beer whore. I didn't think he cared where it came from. As long as it was fermented something or other" claimed Thomas.

Eventually, van der Hooven came up with a fitting solution for the disease-ridden collection. "I'll just regift them to my uncle Ted. He's already blind."