Tuesday, January 16

Man invents "Facts" Machine.

Licking County, OH— Mark Kubler, a complete idiot known for his limited vocabulary has named himself "Innoventor of the Year", after finally bringing his first 'innovention' to life.

His magnum opus is something he calls a "facts" machine. It looks very much like an ordinary facsimile found in any office environment, with one exception: His transmits facts from one machine to another.

"All you do is hit the green button, and a few minutes later, you have a fact." Kubler demonstrates the machine's amazing capabilities.

After 2 minutes, the machine spits out a specially-coated white piece of paper that reads "Circles are round."

Kubler, beaming, adds it to a stack of similar documents that read "Clocks tell time.", "Birds have wings.", "People have skin" and other severely obvious things.

"The machine can tell you any fact at any time." Kubler continued effervescently. "Provided you're willing to shell out three bajillion dollars and any random Arby's coupon you can find."

The last page to spew forth from the machine read: "My creator is a dumbass."

Facts, indeed.