Thursday, March 15

North Korean secret plans involve inordinate amounts of goosestepping, saluting.

Seoul, South Korea — (FNS) Secretive plans smuggled from deep within North Korea reveal a bold new military strategy should the notoriously hermitic communist kingdom come under attack from outside foes.

The shocking and unconventional plans call for a relentless onslaught of military parading in and around the few major cities of North Korea.

Translated, the designs detail “soldiers, in ranks of 12 deep should assemble quickly, and distract the invaders with a barrage of snap-salutes and high leg kicks.”

The plans also call for an elaborate distribution of loudspeakers and official state-sponsored music to be blared on an endless loop to provide 'cover' for the 'highly-organized and delightfully proud procession of troops and vehicles.'

Even though the plans have been dismissed by several military experts around the world, South Korean tactical strategist Han Soo Duck warned:

"True, their military has done no actual fighting in the past 53 years. But their men in uniform are unsurpassed in their parading experience.”

Duck continued, “A parade a day has made them the most fearsome marching-and-saluting squad the world has ever seen.”

Initially part of the stratagem outlined “an heartstopping assault of rockets”, but was later retranslated as “a showstopping assault of Rockettes.”

Duck also contends that even though most of their missiles are filled with clam juice, they still retain their menace when driven in columns of three or four at a time.

An official denial from KCNA, the state news agency of North Korea was issued a few short hours after the plans were made public.