Wednesday, April 4

Local man fulfills lifelong dream, swims with the endorphins.

Heath, OH – Dr. Pedro "Petey" Johnson has suffered from Adrenalitis—the acute inability to get excited about anything—his entire life. He’s endured the teasing of classmates and friends, even the laughter of two naked girls in the back of his father’s 1978 Lincoln Mark IV that one time.

Adrenalitis is a cursed disease for most people, but it hasn’t been all bad for Johnson. Adrenalitis has served him well as Chief of Trauma Surgery at Heath General Hospital, where his ability to keep his cool amid tremendous chaos and pressure is legendary.

Johnson’s colleagues, a team of research scientists and pharmacists at Heath General really wanted to do something special for their friend on his 40th birthday, so they developed a cocktail of narcotics that would really, finally, get his juices flowing. A mixture that would get him off the couch in the doctor’s lounge for once and give him the kind of erection that every man deserves.

As they advanced on Johnson in the doctor’s lounge with the syringe, Johnson said, “Wait. No. What are you doing? Stop,” in his usual deadpan monotone. Within seconds, Johnson was up on the coffee table with one hand under his scrubs pumping furiously at his first-ever full erection. The hookers were ushered into the lounge just as the last few bars of “Happy Birthday” were being sung.

“After we closed the doors for privacy, it sounded like there was shit was being tossed all over the place in there—medical journals, bags of chips, maybe even a couch cushion.” Anesthesiologist John Snelling said, stifling a chuckle. “He was either going off … or getting off!”

Taking a drag from a cigarrette as the effects of the cocktail were wearing off, Johnson said, “I’ve always wanted to do that.” He failed to elaborate as his Adrenalitis again took hold.