Monday, April 9

Man sure connected to nature after chute failed to open, didn’t he?

Hocking Hills, OH – People fondly recalled the life of 48-year-old Heath resident Slade Simmons yesterday, more than a week after the skydiving mishap that took his life.

“He was so down to earth, you know?” Neighbor John Donnelly recalled. “I suppose you can’t get any more down to earth than what happened to him … except maybe when they lowered his casket those final six feet.”

Slade was president of coal-mining operations for American Electric Power and vice-president of the Conspicuous Consumption Society of America, making his final body-piercing tear through the treetops and subsequent abrupt landing in a field full of daises subtly ironic or something.

An eyewitness to Sunday’s disaster says he heard a loud “Thwack!” when Slade hit earth. Others claimed to have heard more of a “Splat!” Onomatopoeia aside, Slade was little more than a bag of crushed bones when help finally arrived.

Traces of Slade's body were left to rot in the beautiful field of flowers as justice for his evil, earth-raping ways. No charges have been filed against the skydiving tour operators for the tragedy.