Wednesday, May 9

Area man believed he was just now coming out of the closet.

Heath, OH - Laughter erupted at the conclusion of a wine and cheese celebration at the home of Bryan (with a Y) Cranus last evening, shortly after he told the close friends that had gathered that he was, in fact, a homosexual.

“No shit, Bryan.” They said. “We’ve been calling you ‘Take it in the Anus-Cranus’ since high-school.”

After learning his friends already knew he was gay—even before he himself knew or had come to terms—Cranus felt faint and began to perspire. To cool off, he fanned himself with his fingers, which looked more gay than Cranus himself sitting there in his khaki Capri pants and a magenta-colored, form-hugging t-shirt.

“You guys,” he said with full affectation, “I can’t believe you’ve known all this time. Do you think my parents know?”

The response, in unison, was an emphatic “Yes.”