Thursday, May 3

Friends remember suicide victim as "rather impulsive."

Columbus, OH - Late Sunday evening, Timothy Von Decker had had enough. Details are sketchy, but it appears Mr. Von Decker had no sooner returned the phone to its cradle after a lengthy discussion with his girlfriend, Amy Sloane, before placing the business end of a .45 caliber handgun in his mouth and pulling the trigger, effectively blowing off the rear 2/3 of his skull and rendering his 6-foot frame lifeless.

Many in Von Decker’s apartment complex were saddened and shocked to hear what had happened. Von Decker’s close friends and relatives, however, were not.

“Tim and I were jogging in the park this one time,” friend James Isaacs remembered. “This woman comes around the bend dragging two Rottweiler puppies behind her. Says they’re for sale and would we like to buy them. Before I can say, ‘fuck off, lady’ Tim’s got his wallet out and I’m jogging alone. He takes these two mangy mutts back to his apartment where they don’t even allow pets! Long story short, two weeks later both dogs were dead of distemper.”

“Yeah,” Von Decker’s cousin Mary chimed in. “He joined the Marines one day out of the blue, then spent three full-years writing me letters expressing his regrets. I could totally see him having an argument with his girl and then blowing his head off like he did. Mental midget. That’s just how he rolled.”

Funeral arrangements for what’s left of Von Decker are pending.