Friday, June 8

“Gas prices don’t seem to be putting a damper on all this fucking traffic, now does it?”

Heath, OH - Cantankerous local man Jerry O’Malley, famous in these parts for pondering how one can “run a marathon in a goddamn wheelchair,” is now asking, “When traffic is going to lighten-up to coincide with all this goddamn whining about gas prices?”

A Saturday afternoon trip to the mall with Mrs. O’Malley triggered the tirade, reported to 911 by Mrs. O’Malley who has grown concerned about how these increasingly frequent tirades have been affecting her husband’s blood pressure.

“He nearly took a swing at me,” Mrs. O’Malley complained to 911 operators from the seat of the couples’ 1957 Plymouth Belvedere.

“I was pointing at the traffic,” Mr. O’Malley could be heard screaming in the background. “War for oil, my ass! Hang up the phone, Margaret!”

This is not the first time Mr. O’Malley has triggered a 911 call. Last year, he was picked up for questioning prior to the annual Heath Half-Marathon for conspiring to let the air out of the wheelchair runners’ tires.

“This is what we call a ‘pattern of grumpy old man-like behavior.’” Heath Police Chief Horace Rumpleman said. “We’ll be watching Mr. O’Malley very closely. So much so, he’ll think the commies are spying on him.”

[Previously: Local man wants to know how you can run a marathon in a goddamn wheelchair]