Friday, June 15

Reckless homeowner refuses to test for colorfastness.

Pataskala, OH — Bill Cosgrove’s impulsivity has gotten the best of him. The Pataskala man's failure to comply with simple instructions on a wide variety of home furniture and carpet cleaning products has left his home looking like a temple of discoloration.

Bill’s cousin Tim is a very vocal critic of Bill’s rash and foolhardy cleansing decisions.

"Frankly, he's an idiot. He used an upholstery spray cleaner on his suede couch without trying it out on an inconspicuous area first. After a few sprays, it looked like something you would find in the porn museum. All stained and creepy looking."

"What's inconspiculous mean?" asked Cosgrove.

Don’t even get Tim started on Bill’s recently-installed rec room carpeting.

"It's like Jackson Pollock went to town on his forest green California Berber with a brush loaded with lime green paint! It’s like he hosted a Clorox-fueled paintball tournament down there!"

Cosgrove fails to find fault with his devil-may-care cleaning techniques. He prefers instead to blame the ‘shit-tastic’ products he employs.

"That's the last time I use Carpet Secret!"

"And Couch Secret, too!"

Frankly, he is an idiot.