Thursday, July 5

Democrats wooing future voters as soon as they cross the border illegally.

Corpus Christi, TX — (AP) In an effort to curry favor and garner votes in future elections, some democrats have taken to shaking hands and kissing babies as soon as they enter the country. As you might expect, this 'Welcome Wagon-treatment' can be confusing to many Mexicans, especially to those attempting to enter the country for a second or third time.

Pedro Escuela was one of those confused, saying through a translator, “I was, like, holy shit, I’m fucked now. But then everyone was so nice. They gave me papers and shit. From now on, I’m Joe Swanson … from San Antonio!”

"These Mexicans hold the key to our political futures." An unnamed member of the welcoming committee said. "They're going to fill a role for us traditionally held by black people. We want them to use these forged documents and 'vote democrat' in the next election. That’s all."

The Democratic border patrol has set up welcoming stations all along the Mexican border. Three weeks ago, Juan Iglesia nearly drowned swimming across the Rio Grande, eventually washing up near Laredo.

"Imagine my surprise, Hefe. I’m crawling up the riverbank and I see this blonde waving at me." Iglesia explained. "I was, like, oh no! But she was all, "Welcome to America! On behalf of the people of the great state of New York, I’d like to present you with this towel … and these identity papers!" I was overjoyed. I’m proud to be an American named Stanley Rubinowitz."

Swanson and Rubinowitz both plan to vote for the democratic candidate in the 2008 presidential election, unless of course that candidate is named John Kerry.