Wednesday, July 11

Referee takes off from baseline, slams technical foul in coach’s face.

Heath, OH - Referee Avery Thomas doesn’t take “nothing from nobody,” he says, "especially not some punk ass, fat slob of a coach like Bill Walsh.”

That was apparent for all to see at the Community Center Tuesday night during an over-30 basketball league match-up between Charlie and the Chocolate Thunderdunks and the Extremely White Fundamentalists.

During a particularly heated exchange of elbows under the basket, Walsh came tearing off the bench, gesticulating wildly. He fell onto the court, shaking with rage, unable to comprehend why there was no call on the play.

Thomas, who’s always wanted to be the center of attention, immediately blew his whistle. But not to call a foul on one of the players involved in the skirmish. He leapt, cat-quick from way downtown toward Walsh to slap a “T” right in his “goddamn face.”

Turned out, Walsh was in the midst of an epileptic seizure, and just seconds from swallowing his own tongue.

“Get up, you cocksucker!” Thomas screamed at Walsh. “Or I’ll throw you out of this game.”

Meanwhile, people all around were screaming, “Call an ambulance! I think he’s having a seizure!”

Thomas, blind with rage, continued yelling at Walsh, convinced the whole thing was an act.

“If you don’t get up right this second … “ Thomas spat. “I swear … that’s it! You’re out of here!”

As paramedics were racing Walsh to the hospital, the game eventually continued, with the Thunderdunks able to secure a 115-42 victory.

Funeral arrangements for Walsh are pending.