Thursday, July 2

Ghost of gerbil haunts area man’s rectum.

Columbus, OH – Like most of you, Joseph Freeman, 39, an industrial equipment salesman from Hilliard, experimented with his sexuality in college. Freeman’s experiences though, quite literally, haunt him to this day.

Back in 1988, while a freshman pledge at an undisclosed fraternity on the campus of The Ohio State University, Freeman used a duct tape-reinforced paper towel roll to guide an unsuspecting gerbil into his anal cavity.

“I had been drinking.” Freeman felt the need to point out.

30 minutes after the gerbil had tunneled in, a large, horrified crowd of fraternity partygoers were summoned to help extract the gerbil, which had succumbed somewhere in Freeman’s oxygen-deprived descending colon.

“Flounder called for a pool cue and a coat hanger.” Freeman recalled. “I must have passed out. That’s the last thing I remember.”

After the incident, Freeman immediately transferred to Penn State.

“My rectum is haunted to this day.” Freeman said. “Sometimes, late at night I can feel it moving around in there, nibbling on the walls of my intestines. It’s not a good feeling … it used to be. But it’s not any more.”

The Ledger has hired a paranormal investigator/gerbil whisperer in an effort to make contact with the furry spirit and set it free from its earthly intestinal prison. Freeman sincerely hopes it works.

“I’d love nothing more than to have its spirit up there instead, turning that big exercise wheel in the sky.” He said through tears.