Monday, August 10

Local charity encourages you to get a “Heart On” for kids.

Heath, OH - The local chapter of the American Heart Association unveiled a new campaign yesterday encouraging people to get “A Heart On For Kids!” and help make a difference in the fight against congenital neonatal heart disease.

From now until the end of the year, you’ll be able to help by purchasing a $5.00 heart-shaped pin designed by a real, semi-alive kid with heart disease to wear proudly on your chest. All of the money raised will go directly toward heart disease research, as well as toward manufacturing prototypes of life-saving inter-aortic pumps and valves and shit.

Heart sales have been brisk outside an area Kroger store so far, where volunteers have set up a table just outside the doors to accost people as they exit the building.

Tom Smithson, a creepy looking shopper with a big night planned, judging from the six-pack, bag of chips and toilet paper in his bag, seemed a little confused before getting his “Heart On.”

“Soon as I came out the door she was like, ‘Sir, would you like to get a heart on?’” Smithson explained. “Of course I was like, ‘Shit-yeah, pretty lady’ … but then she added ‘For Kids’ and I was like, man, what do I look like? But then I saw the sign and the cheap-ass heart pins and stuff.”

“These kids need everyone in America to get a “Heart On.” AHA spokeswoman Nancy Jessup explained. “Because together, we can beat this. Maybe. Hell, it’s worth a shot.”