Wednesday, September 2

Area homeless man laments cardboard’s inability to provide nourishment.

Canal Winchester, OH - Jamaal Washington wishes cardboard could offer more than just shelter or signage. He wishes it could provide sustenance.

“Sometimes, when I’m standing on the corner with my sign that says HOMELESS … PLEASE GIVE ME SOME MONEY, I wish I could just break off a piece and eat it.” Washington said dreamily. “But then the sign would probably say HOMELESS … PLEASE GIVE ME SOME. And that could get my skinny ass kicked.”

We fucked with Washington a little by telling him Swedish scientists were at present busy in the lab developing a line of delicious edible cardboard, and that results in the elementary school pizza crust clinical trials looked promising.

“Sheeeeeeeeeeit. Those Swedish bastards stole my idea!” Washington shouted, bending to lift a still-burning cigarette thrown at him from a passing car. “Man, I am this close to eatin’ my own shit. If I could work one up I just might!"

Washington took a drag from his cigarette and tossed it away before turning back with a look of desperation in his eyes.

"You got a dollar, my friend?" He asked. "I'll give you this bandana ... You know you look like you could use a nice blowjob for five dollars ... Look, ma, no teeth!”