Tuesday, November 3

Area man killed by rich blend of Brazilian Acai berries and other assorted fruits.

Westerville, OH – A local man died yesterday after reviewing the profit/loss statement of his wife’s less-than-lucrative venture selling $40 bottles of juice out of the garage.

Keith A. Walters, 45, succumbed contemplating how much his family had spent on cases of juice, and boxes of assorted gels and energy drinks stacked floor-to-ceiling in the family garage versus how much had actually sold.

“It put tremendous pressure on him.” A close friend who had once been duped into signing on as a distributor said. “He wanted to support his wife in all her endeavors, but also wanted to kill her for this particular one.”

The promise of fancy mansions, sports cars, helicopters and moderately improved health had yet come to fruition for the Walters family. Although, there was speculation that just a bit further up his wife’s side of the pyramid someone was having caviar with their breakfast.

The Walters children had planned to go to college before mommy got roped into this business. Now they’ve been seen recently selling juice door-to-door and emerging from the backseats of various suspicious-looking vehicles.

Funeral services for Mr. Walters are pending an “Everything must go to pay for husband’s funeral” sale.