Tuesday, January 12

Area man laid, to rest.

Columbus, OH - After nearly eight-months of pretending to be a good listener and all that, Columbus resident Karl Sumner finally got laid. And despite falling asleep almost immediately after sex with Rebecca Jenks, Sumner says his immediate plan is to get some rest.

“My mental strength has been sapped.” Sumner explained. “Late night talks. Reality TV. Heavy petting. It’s been a solid eight-month, all-out effort ... I really need a break.”

Sumner plans to gather his strength by staring at sports on TV, flipping through magazines, and by not returning Rebecca's phone calls.