Thursday, January 7

What has Karl Malone been up to these days?

By Karl Malone,
Guest Commentator

You may ask yourself, why would Karl Malone write a Karl Malone editorial in a small-town, two-bit online fake newspaper?

Because Karl Marlone lives Karl Malone's life and Karl Malone has bills to pay. Karl Malone has a car payment. Karl Malone has a mortgage, too. Karl Malone likes shopping. And cowboy hats. And shopping for cowboy hats.

You may also often ask yourself, what has Karl Malone been doing with his time since he retired from the National Basketball Association?

Rest assured, Karl Malone has been busy.

Yesterday, Karl Malone made blueberry pancakes.

Later, Karl Malone went to see The Avatar. It made Karl Malone's eyes tear up, because Karl Malone felt sad for the native inhabitants of Pandora having their beautiful world destroyed by the military-industrial complex, and because the three dimensionalness was at times a bit much for Karl Malone's retinas.

James Cameron may not know how to handle autograph seekers in the smooth Karl Malone style, but the man sure can make a movie.

Karl Malone also recently tried on a sweater at the Banana Republic. Now, Karl Malone likes to look fashionable, and Karl Malone thought this sweater to be of the utmost in sweatery fashion. But, alas, in the mirror, it was not as fashionable as Karl Malone previously thought.

Karl Malone did not purchase the non-fashionable sweater from the Banana Republic.

Last week, Karl Malone watched House Hunters International on the HGTV. Karl Malone would like to do some international house hunting of Karl Malone's own, but that means Karl Malone will need to write a few more Karl Malone editorials.

Karl Malone is a retired professional basketball player, nicknamed "the Mailman." He refers to himself in the third person and is a guest commentator for The Heath Ledger.