Tuesday, February 16

Friend "with benefits" now offering 401k.

Columbus, OH - The years have not been kind to Janice Koslowski, 35, and her across-the-hall neighbor for the last eight or so years, Jose Santiago, has obviously taken notice.

"Jose doesn't stop by at 1:30 in the morning on Fridays and Saturdays like he used to." Koslowski said through tears and a ham sandwich. "It's like he's purposefully trying to ignore me."

Koslowski though, has a plan. With a sizable 401k balance, she plans on listing Santiago as her primary beneficiary. In the event of her death, he would receive every red cent.

"My parents are dead and I don't have any kids, so ..."

We cornered Santiago outside the apartment complex after he tied a few sheets together and lowered himself from a 3rd story window to avoid being seen - presumably by Koslowski.

"Shit, man." He said. "I may have had sex with her a few times, man, but I drink A LOT. I have to ... you've seen her."

When we told the unemployed Santiago about the 401k benefits for his continued companionship, his demeanor quickly changed.

"Does that mean if she dies in, say, an accident or something I get the money?" He asked before going on to incriminate himself. "I have a friend who packs chutes down at the airfield. I wonder if Janice likes skydiving."

Santiago reached for his cell before sauntering away.

"Hey, Janice!" He said. "How you doin, baby girl?"