Tuesday, February 2

Office charity drive quietly solves Haitian constipation crisis.

Newark, OH — Operation #2 at Tectum Inc. is being billed as a "blowout" success.

Tectum manufactures wood fiber interior and roof deck acoustical products. Their company motto is 'keeping a lid on noise.' They certainly haven't kept a lid on generosity, as evidenced by the results of a recent charity drive.

Employees at Tectum, Inc. were a bit surprised when they were asked by management to donate 'as many boxes of Fiber One bars and cereals as they could' to help support Haitian earthquake relief efforts. 

The company collected 232 boxes of Fiber One bars over the past three weeks for delivery to the devastated Caribbean nation.

"If I were in a 7.0 quake, the first thing I think I'd do is release my bowels." said Marketing Manager Cherise Charles. "So, to me, it's quite surprising they need as much fiber as they do, given the circumstances."

"Maybe they're all stopped up due to a diet steady in motor oil and mud cakes." suggested Sound Baffle line coordinator and completely ignorant human being Rodney McCallum.

The bars are being requested by relief efforts to help provide Haitians a convenient and vital daily requirement of fiber — crucial to maintaining the body's internal workings and increasing survival. 

"They're called Fiber One, but really shouldn't they be named Fiber Two?" laughed customer service representative Jeff Mellencamp, master of levity.

The generous but naive donors at Tectum may have inadvertently created a new crisis in the wake of the disastrous quake. Conditions in the steamy island nation are ripe for an explosion of plague-like bacteria and viruses, and a utter lack of adequate sewage disposal and treatment make the third-world nation a perfect home for such diseases.

Expect the office to quickly organize a toilet paper and room deodorizer drive for the upcoming Hatian Defecation Crisis.