Friday, September 23

Man almost dies as result of Obsessive Compulsive Disorderly.

Lancaster, OH — An orderly at a local hospital has been suspended from duty after impeding care during an emergency procedure.  Lloyd Shepherd of Newark has been a Long Term Care ward orderly for approximately 13 months.  He suffers from OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. OCD is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce apprehension and worry, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety.

Prior to Tuesday's incident, Shepherds' malady had been virtually invisible.
It was only when 52-year old stroke patient Hank Tippen coded, that Shepherd's affliction reared its psychoneurotic head.

Fairfield Medical Center code strictly prohibits orderlies from performing or engaging in activities or interventions that put patient safety at risk. Ward Manager Bert Conley had this to say about Shepherd: "He always had to turn the lights on and off three times, which was weird, but never a problem."

According to eyewitness accounts, as Tippen's heart rate plummeted and his lungs collapsed, Shepherd fastidiously arranged and re-arranged his sheets, trying to smooth out wrinkles, and tuck the corners into perfect, forty-five-and-a-half-degree angles, all while repeating to himself the nursery rhyme One Misty Moisty Morning seventeen times.

Another orderly, Wayne Moffet, tried desperately to pry Shepherd from the scene. Shepherd shouted at Moffet "This is how it is to be done, or I have to start from square one!"

Shepherd then unmade the bed and began to re-make it in the same fashion as before, hindering the ability of crash medics to administer the necessary steps to get Tippen back online.

Only the strong hands and quick mind of floor nurse Shawntae McCutcheon were able to avert catastrophe. McCutcheon, a hearty 210 pound woman — also once known as former Gorgeous Lady of Wrestling Velveeta Jones — hoisted Shepherd over her head, twirled him about a few times before slamming him to the linoleum.

"I had to use my patented 'Cheese Spread' on that stupid white boy."

Tippen, moved to intensive care, may never fully recover from the cardiac incident.

Shirley Tippen didn't mince words when it came to criticism. "Thanks to Howard Hughes, Jr., my husband will never be able to completely walk, talk or fuck ever again."

Shepherd has been advised by hospital officials to seek therapy for his condition. As of now, he has been placed on a 60-day personal improvement plan, and is prohibited from the long-term care floor.