Thursday, December 30

Area teen can’t wait for ball to drop.

Columbus, OH - Peter Stanley is confident 2011 will be a year of great change.

“It just has to be.” The diminutive 15 year-old High School Sophomore said in an odd, high-pitched squeal. “I’d like to kiss a girl someday.”

For years Stanley has endured the taunts of classmates about his voice and follicle-free genital region.

His life at home hasn’t been much better.

“You need to toughen up, you little shit.” His mother chimed in from across the room. “You take after your father.”

“See what I mean?” Stanley mumbled through trembling lips.

“Dick Clark had a stroke!” She yelled. “You don’t hear him whining about his voice. He’s not complaining about being half-paralyzed or being rolled out in front of the entire nation once a year.”

“Yeah, mom. We’re exactly alike.”

“You are, Petey!” She stood, pantomiming the fondling of a scrotum. “You’re both just hanging around waiting for a ball to drop.”