Tuesday, January 25

Gay Islamic paramilitary group vows revenge.

Washington, DC - Yesterday, former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi opened a package sent to her office filled with a less than suspicious jasmine-scented talc. Buried inside the fabulously fancy box was a neatly folded letter containing a series of threats and one totally disgusting warning — “On you we will go down!”

Lezbollah, a gay paramilitary organization with ties to Al-Qaeda, has claimed responsibility. The Department of Homeland Security has launched a full investigation.

“The first thing we noticed is that all the i’s are dotted with hearts. That was our first clue. Totally gay.” Chief investigator Paul Brown said. “We’re still not exactly sure because the note also said they’d ‘blow us’ … and not to kingdom come or to pieces or anything.