Wednesday, January 12

Local man seeks to up production.

Columbus, OH - The magazines and catalogs are piling up on the back of James Borden’s downstairs toilet. "Roughage” estimates show he’ll need to shit up to five times a day to put a real dent in the stack before February’s crop of reading materials arrive.

Mr. Borden, though, is determined to make it happen. “There’s enough ‘Fiber One’ yogurt in there to drown an African village.” He said, pointing to his intestinal region. “I can feel a major storm-a-brewin’.”

Experts agree the bathroom is a great place for reading. “You’re alone. It’s quiet. Who’s going to bug you while you’re in there doing your business?" A librarian from the Westerville Public Library said. "With the right toilet seat, why, you could sit there for ours before your legs fall asleep.”

“I’d really love to talk more about this but I’ve got work to do, if you catch my drift.” Borden said, passing gas and using his hand to fan it in our general direction. “Excuse me.”