Friday, January 14

MLK Jr Boulevard-Day festivities already in full swing.

United States - Tonight in Atlanta, a celebratory drive-by is planned to honor the memory of late civil rights hero Martin Luther King Jr., just blocks away from his final resting place.

In our nation’s capitol, two crack-addled men were putting the finishing touches on a bottle of Boone’s Farm, as well as plans for simple assault and petty larceny.

In Newark, Mayor Cory Booker will be shoveling some old lady’s driveway while people die. 

And in St. Louis, Johnny the Pimp is holding a half-price sale on all bitches and hos operating beneath his heavy hand.

“Martinlufakin’ had a dream! He made allllll of this possible.” Johnny said, sweeping a hand across the bleak terrain and flashing a gold-toothed smile. “Lying on her back the least my girl Jawanna can do. She a proud American with some big ol' titties."