Wednesday, May 11

Area man well on his way to sobriety.

Heath, Ohio — Roger Cleven is an seventh-generation alcoholic.

Rather than attend a reputable alcohol rehabilitation group, like Alcoholics Anonymous, Cleven is relying on his own proprietary 196-step program to free him from the shackles of alcohol dependency.

Cleven — currently on step three —has been on his self-designed plan for 17 months. Cleven admits progress is slow, but ultimate success will not prove elusive.

Step 4?
Cleven has cut his "sweet, sweet delicious gin" consumption by a sixteenth since beginning the arduous process nearly a year and a half ago., although he still consumes roughly 1100 milliliters of Givitis Extra Dry Gin per day.

"Issss working, dontcha think?" a glassy-eyed and wobbly Cleven spouted as we sat down to review the details of the "revolutionary" plan, which apparently include vomiting profusely and pissing in the dog's water bowl.

Cleven also felt compelled to add, "I love you man, I really dooo. Let's be blooood brothers." before taking a butter knife to his open palm.

In a related note, Cleven's own 22-year smoking cessation program has him down to a pack a day.