Tuesday, December 13

Area contractor accidentally builds wrong coffee and donut shop.

Pickerington, OH — Eager Pickerington residents excited for the new Tim Horton's Coffee and Bake Shop opening this past Tuesday were in for a real surprise when they arrived at 837 West Columbus Street.

What they found was a Tim Burton's Coffee and Bake Shop — the result of a construction company purchase order mix-up of Big Fish proportions.

Brutal neo-German expressionist architecture now looms where the familiar and welcoming "Timmy Ho's" brick exterior would have been.

"I like his movies ... but what the hell does that weirdo know about coffee?" wondered Picktown local Aaron Scholes, as he tried in vain to open the establishment's crooked, off-kilter doors.

Time to make the creepy donuts.
"I'm really weary. I saw Alice in Wonderland. What a technicolor shitfest. The guy probably hasn't made a good cup of joe since 1993." longtime caffeine aficionado and movie buff Herm Perkins said, upon seeing workers erect the graveyard-inspired wrought iron sign above the door.

Chris Speltz, however, was not deterred.

Speltz ordered a skinny half-caf, half-decaf cup of Despair, which is a mocha/latte blend and something called "Planet of the Crepes" from the bake shop menu.

"It was pretty disappointing." Speltz lamented. "it tasted like a well-meaning, but overwrought and thinly-written version of an original crepe. Tim Roth was delicious, though."

Other bake shop menu items include Marzipan Attacks!, Helena-On-Ham Tartar, and the morbidly-named Corpsesiant.

The shop serves hot and cold beverages, from the steaming Deppuccino to the 52-ounce Pee Wee's Big Thirstquencher.

So far, the response has been the disappointing equivalent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory's domestic box office take.

Seals Construction, who oversaw the flawed development, hopes to remedy the situation in the community's favor, giving most residents hope they'll be munching their traditional crullers and boston creme donuts in short order.

Until then, they'll have to enjoy a Sleepytime Hollow tea and some Flan 9 from Outer Space.