Thursday, March 29

Dyslexic Woman arrested for IUD.

 Mugshot: What does F.I.L.M. stand for?

Newark, OH — Darlene Chalmers found out the hard way that fat, drunk and dyslexic is no way to go through life.

Chalmers, 36, was found driving her 1995 Pontiac Sunfire erratically on Licking View Drive. A routine sobriety test combined with a breathalyzer analysis found Chalmers' blood-alcohol percentage at a less-than-legal 0.11%. The legal limit in the state of Ohio is .08%.

Licking County Sheriffs charged Chalmers with DUI and took her into custody late Wednesday night.  Upon learning of Chalmers' learning disability, the arresting officer responded: "All I know, is that Darlene Chalmers behind the wheel of an automobile spells disaster, D-I-S-A- ... S-T-E-R."

Upon being booked, Chalmers mistakenly thought she was being detained for her preference in birth control.

"I am a free woman! I have the right to choose birth control I wanna use." blurted a still-intoxicated Chalmers from her holding cell.

Despite several warnings, Chalmers refused to keep quiet.

 "You wanna see it? How 'bout you get your head up here in my vajayjay and see how Mister T is doing, Officer Fucktard!" Chalmers bellowed, struggling to remove her pants.

Chalmers' verbal assault elicited chuckles from other staff on hand. County Sheriff Justin Tuckfard was less than amused.

"My last name is Tuckfard. Justin Herbert Tuckfard! You guys all know that! C'mon!"