Thursday, June 14

Man names himself "Unemployee of the Month."

BUCKEYE LAKE, OH — Dale Parker hasn't had a job for the past 31 months, but that hasn't stopped him from earning accolades in his non-pursuit of employment.

Parker named himself Unemployee of the Month in a quiet, but undignified ceremony in the foyer of his foreclosed home. He presented himself with a plaque and handwritten certificate, and a coupon to 30% off at the local Munro Tire and Muffler — which he would certainly use if he had a car.

One day, Danny Parker will get his
Little League trophy back.
The plaque features Parker's portrait, and his name 'engraved' into the backside of one-half of a slightly-melted Kit Kat bar.

Technically, Parker is not unemployed. He no longer counts toward the U-6 unemployment numbers, considering he has officially given up looking for work, but that didn't disuade him from showing himself the proper respect and admiration for his lack of effort.

"I've deserved this for a long time. At least for 31 months."

The only thing to him that would have made the moment better was if he could have shared it with his estranged wife and three children.

"They would have been so ashamed of me." Parker said, wiping tears of joy or sorrow from his eyes. "I miss that."

In lieu of productivity, Parker spends his days stealing bandwidth from unsuspecting and presumably employed neighbors to feed his insatiable Broadway-inspired pornography habit.