Friday, June 29

“Soccerates” starting to annoy co-workers.

Columbus, OH - His co-workers will tell you, it’s tough to be around Lars Schuster when there are World Cup-type soccer tournaments taking place in the world. Not a meeting goes by without a reference to “corner kicks” or “headers,” or some pontification on the skills of a foreigner known only by his last name.

John Stenson, Schuster’s next-cube neighbor, is obviously fed up. “He’s got those stupid scarves with the team names on them draped all over the place. He hums those idiotic fight songs at two in the afternoon. He’s kind of a dick about it, really. Check this out … Hey, ‘Soccerates,’ who’s going to win the Euro Cup final?”

“Didn’t I ask you to stop calling me that?” Schuster spat from behind the cube wall, somehow insulted by being compared to the classical Greek Athenian philosopher credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy. “As I’ve already explained, ad nauseum, it’s called football or footie, not soccer. But to answer your question, Italy simply lacks the depth of Spain, which is loaded with superstars. Oh, sure, Gli Azzuri have Mario Balotelli and Andrea Pirlo … those guys will have to have the game of their lives. Now, you could say, well, they tied 1-1 during group play, what makes you so sure? I’d quickly point out that group play is an entirely different animal. Mark my words, my friend; it’s going to be Spain. VIVA ESPANA!” 

“See?” Stenson said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. “What a dick.”