Wednesday, September 19

Area woman the black licorice of arm candy.

Heath, OH - Heads turned when George Rice walked through the doors at the Fraternal Brotherhood of Elks Lodge on Main Street Saturday, and at least one of those heads vomited.

All week, as George and his compatriots saddled up to the lodge's bar after work, Rice had gone on and on about the “sweet piece of ass” he was bringing to the corned beef and cabbage buffet fundraiser, organized in honor of dearly departed brother Richard Stark, 79, may God rest his soul.

“George said he was showing up with a real looker.” Eyewitness Eddie Petri said. “Hooker was more like it with all that makeup. I’m also pretty sure I saw an Adam’s apple.”

“Ain’t she something’,” George had asked, pointing to her flat ass as she meandered off to the Ladies Room, dragging one lame high-heeled foot behind. 

“She’s something, alright.” At least 10 guys replied in unison.

“At one point, she bent over to pick up the mustard bottle that had fallen from the arthritic claw at the end of her right hand,” another stunned partygoer said. “I’ll never be able to un-see the crack of her bruised white ass.”