Tuesday, March 12

Arizona Cardinals huddle to elect new head coach.

GLENDALE, AZ —  The retractable roof is closed. The gates are shut. The turnstiles, idle.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
University of Phoenix stadium is in total lock-down. Stadium officials have had a special chimney installed for a very special purpose.

It's now decision time for 53 Arizona Cardinals, as they vote to elect their next head coach.

Black smoke from the chimney above Glendale means no decision as been made. Red smoke, however, means the team has indeed selected it's new head coach for the upcoming season.

The new head coach will be in charge of coordinating player management, designing and implementing game plans, and calling plays, including the occasional Hail Mary.

Jokes aside, this "gridiron conclave" may be the first of its kind.

"I've never elected a head coach before," giggled outside linebacker Quentin Groves. "Maybe I'll write in Vince Lombardo!"

The players are not allowed contact with the outside world until a new coach is successfully voted in.  An Il Primo Pizza & Wings delivery car, however, was seen idling in the player's parking lot adjacent to the stadium.  The team's cheerleaders were not invited.

About seven faithful fans lingered in the great lawn outside, awaiting the forthcoming news.

Will it be Arians' nation?
Adam Schefter, of ESPN, believes that current (and relatively new) coach Bruce Arians is the most likely frontrunner, although 'not a sure bet' to retain his position.

Prior to being locked in, quasi-quarterback Kevin Kolb was amazed at the 'ritualistic' nature of the process.  "They even made us wear our uniforms,  these useless helmets and all!"

Doubts linger whether or not so many aggressive and restless young men will be able to withstand the potentially long-term conclave process.  Assistant equipment manager Mickey Bates promises there will be plenty to do besides choose the next head honcho. "Well, there's Xbox 360s in the clubhouse ... and plenty of ball boys on hand to molest, as Cardinals are wont to do."